Good God !!

Have you ever noticed in movies/stories/novels in every sad story there is a breaking point… a point where everything is so bad that it just couldn’t get worse. And then slowly but surely things start turning around they start getting better somehow. Something like it’s the darkest before the dawn! Well… my life for the past two years has been a series of events like that…except there is no dawn… just a series of unfortunate events. A couple of months back I was driving, stressed and overwhelmed I finally broke down and I started crying… I kept driving for ten hours straight bawling… crying my eyes out (yes it’s a miracle I didn’t meet with an accident and die). At the end of it all was this uncanny peace for a moment… this moment of clarity that made me feel like I am finally there… my prayers will be answered I will be alright. Nothing changed, infact I experienced new levels of hell I did not even know existed (ok that is an exaggeration…. It wasn’t that pitiful… but things are not good either). Throughout this time of my life the phrase I have heard the most is ‘you’ve got to believe’. I have been asked to believe in myself and believe in God or the power of universe… I hate to believe. Trust me, that is no easy feat!!

To back up a little most of the people around me have been blessed with faith, the reason I call it a blessing is because I have seen its benefits or may be because I somehow miss it. I have had my own equation with God… to me God is my protector, merciful and loving, somewhat like a strict parent who might scold you or punish you but would never let you down. Like everyone else I prayed, but I had a thing every time I sat down to pray I would forget what I wanted to ask for… I would just say my prayers and be done… and later realize I had a request! I never got anything easy, if an average person can get a certain result but putting in 60% effort for the same result I would have to put 100% and then some… it never bothered me… I felt like I have to work hard and if I want something I will work for it. Things began to change last year… I was going through a bad time (debt, hunting for jobs, graduation being postponed endlessly, accident…. I guess all graduating students go through it I am told)…. And at that time I sat down and I prayed… I prayed like never before… I did not ask for money or job or anything else… I figured I know I have to work hard and I will! I will keep working hard till I don’t get a good job and become debt free and all that!! I prayed for something that I could not work for… I needed and still need God’s help with something completely out of my control… if there was a way I could work hard and change myself to solve that problem I would… but it is not so!! It is at this time I felt like God is not listening… May be I am being punished for something, but wasn’t God supposed to be forgiving, I am no saint but I am good person praying for forgiveness… or maybe it’s not His will… if His will can change for worse if I do something wrong, His will should change even when I do something right………throughout these awful months of my life, I never asked God to make my life easier… all I asked for was help with something out of my control! Atheists mock me for believing that there is a God and that He would work His magic… Believers say I can’t have a wish… and some kind people say god works in mysterious ways and one day my wish will come true…… I do not know who is right…. All I know is there is a pain and sense of abandonment that’s hard to explain… Its not that there isn’t a chance of my wish coming true… but with each passing day the chances of it happening reduce… it’s like dying a little every day!